Where do I even begin? Am is a lot of things. She is all of me, but she is also just the beginning of me. Two little letters that encompass so much. Two whole lifetimes have been lived prior to reaching this point of being simply combined into two letters. I’ve lived the life of young Amanda B – a somewhat loud and vibrant young adult on the cusp of becoming a bold woman. An individual that was shaped by who I was told I should be; by how I was raised to be a mature and responsible young adult; Ready to take off into the world and become all that I could be. Making decisions and driving forward; always forward without looking back. That young woman grew up, started a career and became Amanda R – wife and mother; Betty Crocker wannabe and health and gym enthusiast, with a flair for wild hair as her personal statement. At one point, I buried both of those women. I buried them so deep, not wanting any part of them to survive and pop up; I was creating something very different and I was determined it would be so much better than both of them that they no longer had any relevance. Turns out, I was actually down in that dark hole with them. While I thought I was creating and building, I was just digging out more of that same hole. At the time it felt like it was them or me, either/or. I wish I could say something like “if I only knew then what I know now…” but that is not the case because I still don’t know much more. I haven’t really come that far. There are still days where little Amanda B still shows up with her drive to end up somewhere amazing; trying to tackle all the things at once because of where I’d like to see myself end up. Or days where a more mature Amanda R shows up and says “nope, don’t do that because that’s not financially wise – the risk to reward ratios do not work out.” It has taken me until fairly recently to realize that both of these versions have a role to play AND they do not define me as a whole; both can be true at once, it is not either/or.
So where does just Am come from specifically? There are a few ways that this works for me. Firstly, this is the nickname that my partner uses for me. I tease him that he only originally put me into his phone as Am because he couldn’t remember what my name actually was. He says this was not the case – I’ll leave that up to you to decide your thoughts. You’re probably thinking that it is not a good business idea to name a business after a name your partner gives you, because what if you end up not staying together? In answer to that, I say that I refuse to live in a world of fearful ‘what ifs’. I will not dedicate any energy to worrying about whether we are going to make it or not; right now we are where we are and I will choose to focus on that daily. Also, I am Am – I am the woman who shows up fully as his partner. Whether he is in the picture or not, I am Am. I have worked hard to show up authentically and fully like I do, it was not an easy road to get to this place. To be unwilling to acknowledge the growth of Amanda that has happened due to him being my mirror would be wholly inaccurate and an injustice to what I have done to get here. So even if there is ever a time where he is not in the picture, I am still Am regardless. This leads into my second reason – I like the statement that implies simply being – “I am…” I simply am. I choose to try and live in the present and not attach anything else to it. Lastly, similar to the present moment “I am” statement, it is also because it is only the first two letters of my name, it implies that I am a current work-in-progress.
I have completed 730 hours of yoga teacher training. This includes 500 hours of hatha yoga, 200 hours of Kundalini yoga, and 30 hours of somatic yoga. I have taken anatomy and physiology training, received certification to teach resistance training, fitness kickboxing, and one-on-one personal training. I have even taken certification courses towards teaching tai-chi. Apparently taking classes is my jam, or maybe it’s collecting certificates to make sure I can validate my worth to people (this will come up in later blog posts for sure). I teach high school English and phys-ed – even created a unique alternative phys-ed program to completely align with the Manitoba curriculum. On paper it seems obvious why I am worthy of having you follow along and/or join this ashram.
